Weekly Feature Articles

  • What's really making America fat?

    Jamie Oliver, eat your heart out. There's a new food authority on the horizon, and according to their findings, it's not school lunches that are making America fat.

    Italian researchers Dr. Davide Dragone and Dr. Luca Savorelli just published their findings in a scintillating paper entitled Thinness and Obesity: A Model of Food Consumption, Health Concerns, and Social Pressure, and we guess if they had it their way, they'd enact a revolution to keep more size zero models in the public eye. Impossibly skinny girls should not be removed from their current post as the harbingers of the body ideal, because, as the "doctors" would have it, Americans would just get fatter without this much needed thinspiration.

    We're not ruling anything out, but in the name of scientific inquiry, we thought we'd come up with a few of our own theories pertaining to the obesity epidemic.

    1. Our bodies are actually preparing for the apocalypse by building up reserve stores of fat, kind of like the way bears do before they go into hibernation. Americans (and Europeans, to an extent) are just naturally more predisposed to survive into the future. Either that, or it's a government conspiracy to keep the first world alive.

    2. The chupacabra doesn't just suck blood, it sucks metabolism.

    3. Smudgy mascara is creating the appearance of gaunt, sunken eyes, leading women everywhere to believe they're dangerously thin and overcompensate by eating more high-calorie foods to restore themselves back to health. If we knew so many of you were struggling, we would have handed you a tube of blinc Mascara a long time ago.

    4. We may not know it now, but obesity has a hidden evolutionary advantage. When you pack on the pounds, you automatically get to take up more space on the train, have two seats to yourself on all domestic and international flights and have people unconsciously make way for you as you get in line for stuff (back in the Stone Age, you had to rise to alpha male/female status to get first dibs on anything).

    5. We're basically taking on whatever bulk our tech gadgets are losing. The advent of increasingly-thin devices such as the MacBook Air, the iPod Nano and the better-faster-thinner iPad leaves it up to someone to pick up the extra weight, and it may as well be us. Maybe if our computers had more realistic role models, they would learn to just be happy with themselves and stop displacing all their excess baggage onto us, dammit.

  • Six steps to getting a bad boy to fall for you

    six+steps+to+getting+a+bad+boy+to+fall+for+you_3356_800504719_0_0_12918_300Danger. Intrigue. Rebellion. If you're a woman who loves these qualities in a man, it's likely your type of guy can be described in one word, and one word only - bad. What is it about these men that send women to the clouds and back?

    To all the lovely ladies out there who are unavoidably attracted to scandalous rebels with a reputation the size of a Goodyear blimp, good news: there are bound to be perfect matches for you in every major city. Guys who consider a leather jacket to be part of their daily wardrobe and walk around with a chip on their shoulders can be reeled in - it just takes some careful preparation. In order to get your hands on one of these motorcycle misfits, there are strict procedures and protocols to follow.

    1. Dress for the first date accordingly. Leather attire or any accessories adorned with spikes says "I'm a bad chick too."

    2. Get his attention by making sure your breath smells like the scent of stale cigarettes or cheap vodka, especially if it's between the hours of noon and 6pm when he's still relatively sober.

    3. When there are plenty of other girls flocking around him, weed out the competition by starting a random fist fight. Whatever you do, make sure you come out bloody and ready for more.

    4. Don't talk about past relationships unless you were involved with a rock star, a pyromaniac who accidentally lit your cat on fire, or Hugh Hefner.

    5. Never get mad if he's late or a no-show. In fact, always have cash on hand in case the need to bail him out of jail should arise.

    6. If he's forced into rehab, don't write him to see how he's doing. Playing hard-to-get works wonders with troublemakers.

    If you're in need of a man who's not afraid to send you his mug shot as a Christmas card, follow the exhilarating examples and you'll be good to go. Just don't come crying to us when he leaves you for your sister.

  • Top three things not to do during your morning commute

    Aside from weirdos, left-over booze from the previous night and exaggerated amounts of perfume, there's no telling what type of pleasantries we'll be graced with when stepping on the bus or subway. Whether you're dealing with really bad techno music blasting from a hipster's cell phone or screaming children who confuse the seats and rails with a jungle gym, one thing's for sure - the commute to and from work isn't always an easy one.

    Of course, there are ways to make this process to a bit smoother - aside from burying yourself in your Kindle and letting the sweet tunes from your iPod take you far, far away. Here are three important rules to follow while battling the chaos of public transportation.

    1. No matter how anxious you are to go to work, don't crowd the door as people are trying to get off the train or bus. This will only make you feel like a matador during a stampede.

    2. Don't ever talk to your love interest on the phone if it's a bad day. This will most likely incite a moment of awkwardness for you and everyone else on the car. You never know when he might say something idiotic, causing you to vilify him like there's no tomorrow. The rest of the passengers will gawk at you as if you're the grown-up version of Rosemary's baby.

    3. Wear just enough makeup and blinc Mascara to attract the dashing collar-and-tie guys, but not so much that you catch the eyes of every man in the car. Being too hot on the way to work isn't always the best plan of action, so if you're crushing hard on that sales guy who just friended you on Facebook, wait until you get to the office to put on the rest of your makeup.

    Following these guidelines will not only pave the way for a smoother day, but it can also reduce the odds of starting your morning off on the wrong foot. Of course, once it gets nice outside you may want to get some exercise and just walk home instead.

  • Three myths when it comes to women drivers

    Isn't it so convenient for men to be able to point out all the things that are wrong with women's driving skills? If the guys in our lives have a fender bender, it's just something that happens. On the other hand, if we experience this minor mishap, it must - clearly - be because of some defect in our genes. At least women don't have a temper tantrum at the mere suggestion of asking for directions. Females also stop calling shotgun at the age of ten, whereas grown men will act as if it's medieval jousting tournament that requires a duel to the end.

    Still, guys never fail to blame the female of the species for causing the most havoc on the road. Because we've been longing to put our two-cents in on the matter, here's our take on the top three myths when it comes to women drivers.

    1. Girls don't pay attention. It's easy for some men to say we're easily distracted behind the wheel, like during those rare occasions when we have to dabble on a little makeup at a stoplight. In reality, dudes drool like dogs at the sight of us in these situations. Our concentration is so keen that we can afford to take a moment to pat our noses or put on some blinc Mascara when it's safe. Men, on the other hand, can't seem to control themselves any time they're out and about.

    2. Girls follow too many rules. Most of us drive with caution and precision, as we actually learned things in driving school. The most applicable methods of training for men are video games and NASCAR races.

    3. Girls can't park. The truth is that most men will chicken out at the thought of parallel parking, especially if they own a flashy sports car that was given, perhaps ironically, a girl's name.

    There are many reasons why we're the best drivers, but we can appease the notorious male ego by letting them think what they wish - at least until they're forced to sleep on the couch.

  • Tips for being a tomboy

    Although there was a day when tomboys were frowned upon by society, the trend is growing rampantly as more and more ladies continue to sport their camouflage getup and hop on the bandwagon of macho-ness (Shiloh Jolie-Pitt, we salute you!). In the Roaring Twenties, men acted like suffragettes were beings from other planets on a massive campaign to dismantle their masculinity. Now, tomboys can finally be "just one of the guys" without criticism, allowing them to freely guzzle beer straight from the pitcher or hawk a loogie from their balcony to see where it lands.

    It's likely there are scores of ladies who have been longing to ditch their super-feminine ways and embrace a manlier lifestyle, yet many simply aren't aware of the work that being a tomboy takes. Here are a few pointers to get you started.

    1. Be physically engaged. You don't have to pump iron and inject massive quantities of steroids to become a successful tomboy. All it takes is one physically active hobby, like Frisbee or maybe even a little skateboarding to show you can hang with the boys. If you're not into sports, become an adamant video-gamer.

    2. Accept unpleasant habits. If you want to be one of the guys, adapt to an atmosphere of belching competitions and familiarize yourself with the putrid whiff of intentional farts. It's even acceptable for you to let loose a burp or two every now and then - just make sure it carries a little oomph.

    3. Never be afraid to get down and dirty. If you end up deciding to roll down a sizable hill or tackle the feeble nerdy guy to the ground, don't feel obligated to change your clothes. You'll be respected for being carefree when it comes to grass-stained jeans and mud-speckled shirts.

    By earning the respect of your egotistical male peers and adapting to their lifestyle, you can gain a sense of liberation that might seem foreign to girly girls. Put those high heels on the shelf for a bit and earn your place in the realm of equality by cherishing the tomboy lifestyle.

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