Jamie Oliver, eat your heart out. There's a new food authority on the horizon, and according to their findings, it's not school lunches that are making America fat.
Italian researchers Dr. Davide Dragone and Dr. Luca Savorelli just published their findings in a scintillating paper entitled Thinness and Obesity: A Model of Food Consumption, Health Concerns, and Social Pressure, and we guess if they had it their way, they'd enact a revolution to keep more size zero models in the public eye. Impossibly skinny girls should not be removed from their current post as the harbingers of the body ideal, because, as the "doctors" would have it, Americans would just get fatter without this much needed thinspiration.
We're not ruling anything out, but in the name of scientific inquiry, we thought we'd come up with a few of our own theories pertaining to the obesity epidemic.
1. Our bodies are actually preparing for the apocalypse by building up reserve stores of fat, kind of like the way bears do before they go into hibernation. Americans (and Europeans, to an extent) are just naturally more predisposed to survive into the future. Either that, or it's a government conspiracy to keep the first world alive.
2. The chupacabra doesn't just suck blood, it sucks metabolism.
3. Smudgy mascara is creating the appearance of gaunt, sunken eyes, leading women everywhere to believe they're dangerously thin and overcompensate by eating more high-calorie foods to restore themselves back to health. If we knew so many of you were struggling, we would have handed you a tube of blinc Mascara a long time ago.
4. We may not know it now, but obesity has a hidden evolutionary advantage. When you pack on the pounds, you automatically get to take up more space on the train, have two seats to yourself on all domestic and international flights and have people unconsciously make way for you as you get in line for stuff (back in the Stone Age, you had to rise to alpha male/female status to get first dibs on anything).
5. We're basically taking on whatever bulk our tech gadgets are losing. The advent of increasingly-thin devices such as the MacBook Air, the iPod Nano and the better-faster-thinner iPad leaves it up to someone to pick up the extra weight, and it may as well be us. Maybe if our computers had more realistic role models, they would learn to just be happy with themselves and stop displacing all their excess baggage onto us, dammit.